you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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