I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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