I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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