You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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