worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
