there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Congratulations! We have a period
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