that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
