During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
