yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
