Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
