when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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