it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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