i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Still dying that you shit outside
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize