I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
