What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
