The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
