I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize