I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
