Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
where does the pee come out of this thing
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
