Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
