Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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