So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
