I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I need to calm my uterus...
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
