(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
