when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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