I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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