Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
