I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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