ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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