If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
