been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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