Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Randomize
