I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
