I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
