Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
