we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
