please come you make the beer taste better
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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