Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I AM VODKA MAN
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
