she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
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