hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
We had sex on a dog bed..
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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