if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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