Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Randomize
