I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
