I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
