Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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