you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I just found puke in my bra..
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
