community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Randomize
