when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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