**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
you will always have a special place in my vag
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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