Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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