last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
