I'm lost and stupid without you.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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