I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
