well I can't set my house on fire every night
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
