I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
