I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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