I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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